


Reality

by SilentStudies



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alpha Jeon Jungkook, Alpha Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Alpha Min Yoongi | Suga, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beta Kim Seokjin | Jin, Beta Kim Taehyung | V, Beta Park Jimin, Depression, Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster-centric, M/M, Omega Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-31 18:49:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13981170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentStudies/pseuds/SilentStudies
Summary: Namjoon can't deal with himself anymore, and to make things worse, BTS is disbanding.





	1. But You Know, Sometimes I Really Really Hate Myself

There's always a moment in life when the world seems to come down upon you. Nothing seems to be going right, and the fatigue is catching up to you, making the world seem unbearable and impossible. Being a leader is tough, especially as an omega. Many criticize Namjoon, and he has learned to deal with that criticism and deal with in a positive way. There's this bubble that formed in his chest, and he feels as if that if it popped, everything he has ever worked for would perish, and he would be left with nothing.

The thing is, is that it isn't just the fans and the antis that judge him; it's also his members. Namjoon can't deal with both at the same time. Frustration keeps building up, giving him a headache. The pressure from his managers to keep the group together and the pressure that he gives himself has made him reach his breaking point. Namjoon feels as if that bubble is going to pop if he just doesn't somehow find a way to release all the stress that has been building up. Sighing, Namjoon sits up straight in his chair, rubbing his face to help focus on the computer screen.

Namjoon stares blankly at the screen. He doesn't feel like composing anymore, and he doesn't feel like talking either. He just wants to sit in a corner, close his eyes, and pretend that he is a part of the wall. He wants to feel like he belongs in something, he sighs again and leans back in his chair. He thinks about how people could be happy, even in unfortunate circumstances. He closes his eyes as he feels a headache build up behind his eyes. It has been constant over the past few days, and he has begun to be extremely sensitive to smell. Everything seems to be much more apparent.

Namjoon suddenly leans forward much too quick and hits his hand on the table. Maybe there is a therapy group that he could go to or a therapist he could see. He doesn't necessarily want to die, but he doesn't feel safe with himself. He has been getting violent urges lately, towards others, animals, and himself.

There's a knock at the door, and Namjoon spins his chair around before standing to open it. From the silhouette he can see through his door, it could only be Jimin.

"Hey hyung, do you want to go out and eat with us? We're going to the restaurant we went to after we first debuted," Jimin says, his bright outfit making Namjoon look away from him.

"I can't; I'm working on a new song. Maybe next time?" Namjoon says as he clutches the door handle, slowly starting to shut the door.

Jimin smiles at him before he simply walks away. A feeling of loneliness suddenly overcomes Namjoon as he shuts his door. Namjoon sits down and wiggles his mouse to make sure the screen doesn't shut off. He sighs and sighs again.

He wonders what it would be like to go therapy. Namjoon's not sure if it would even help him. He yawns and searches for therapy treatment centers near him. Would the company even let him go to therapy? He knows that Yoongi has been off and on, but would they let him go and waste an hour per week to see a therapist?

Namjoon's stomach starts to twist. When was the last time he ate? He doesn't remember eating anything.

Namjoon lets himself slide off the chair, and he curls up underneath his desk clutching his stomach. He closes his eyes and tries to come up with something to think about, but his mind is drawing a blank. He rolls himself over, more under the desk, and he hears his computer humming above him. 

Namjoon keeps his eyes closed as he starts pressing down onto his stomach, making it slightly more painful, but not enough to be satisfying. He tries to sit up, but he hits his head on the table. Ducking his head, he crawls out from under the desk. He has so many things to do and yet here he is doing nothing. Frustration starts building up.

Namjoon stands up, grabs his jacket, opens the door, and just leaves. As he's walking the pain gets worse. He clutches his stomach and leans forward slightly as he's walking. He doesn't know where he's going, but he's going to go somewhere. Before he leaves the building, he grabs a mask from his pocket and slides it on. He doesn't need people recognizing him when he's at one of his lowest moments. 

Namjoon walks around for a while, not particularly having a place in mind. As he's walking, he remembers that he left his cell phone in his studio. It doesn't really matter; Namjoon's simply thinking of everything he did today, conversations he had, things he saw and worked on. Life is a boring thing. There's no point to it; it's just full of stress, more stress, and an unending amount of stress.

Namjoon pauses and looks up from the ground to see the sun going down. He supposes it's beautiful, but is it? This world that waits for no one, if you can't catch up, you're left to die. Perhaps that's beauty, the beauty of being left behind. The thought makes him shiver. Is he left behind?

Namjoon looks around and realizes that he's alone. He's always alone.

In a world where being social gets you places, Namjoon only got himself places because of his determination and his will to succeed. Succeeding is what made him into what he is today. Sure, he has his faults, and he gets criticized for what he did in the past that he wishes so much he could take back, but in the end, because of what he did, BTS became BTS today.

Namjoon wanders back to the company building. It must be at least midnight by the time he returns to his studio. His phone is dead, and the computer is turned off. Did they even miss him? He leaves the building once more and begins his long journey back to their apartment. The stars are barely visible due to all the light pollution, but he wishes upon a star, to please make him be okay.

He opens the door to the apartment and sees all the members gathered in the living room. They're murmuring, and for some reason, it makes Namjoon anxious. 

"Hey, what're you guys talking about?" Namjoon asks as he approaches them, sliding his shoes off and putting his slippers on. Jimin looks over at Namjoon with his lips pursed. Namjoon's heart starts palpitating faster. Something's wrong.

"We were talking about disbanding," Yoongi says with a bitter tone in his voice.

"What?" Namjoon says breathlessly.

"That's why we all went to the restaurant. To discuss this further," Jimin says, lips twisted.

Namjoon can feel the bubble popping. He starts shaking. This can't be happening. Namjoon starts backing up towards the door. He doesn't want to hear another word about this, he doesn't want BTS to disband. 

"I... I have to go," Namjoon says, reaching behind him to grab the doorknob.

"Namjoon, wait," Seokjin yells as Namjoon bolts out the door. 

Namjoon's slippers fall off of him as he's running through the streets. There's only one place that can comfort him now. Dduksum island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are nice and greatly appreciated.
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twtter](https://www.twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	2. When I Really Hate Myself, I go to Dduksum

Hangang Park has always been quite busy. Even during the early morning hours, it's filled with people enjoying time outside. The ferry to go to Dduksum Island isn't running, so Namjoon ends up sitting on a bench near the river. His legs and feet hurt from running, and he's still having trouble catching his breath.

Checking his phone is useless, it's dead. He has his wallet, and his mask is still on, so the hopeless feeling of being stranded didn't come too harshly. Namjoon stands and winces, he looks down and sees that he has cuts on his feet. He lightly takes a step, then relishes in the pain. He deserves it, for being so useless that he can't keep the group together.

It was a short and painful journey to the convenience store, and luckily they sold some ugly shoes that were his size. It was expensive for such cheap shoes, but he doesn't care. He must be releasing stress hormones because others seem to take a step away from him. The cashier looks incredibly uncomfortable when they touched his hand accidentally. Namjoon feels like he's burning, his teeth hurt from grinding them in pain.

Namjoon feels droopy. He now has shoes and a little less money on his credit card, but does it matter? BTS is going to disband, members are going to leave him, and he'll have no choice but to be alone, perhaps for the rest of his life. He doesn't know what he would do with himself or do to himself if BTS is no longer a group. Namjoon feels anger swell inside him. 

Namjoon ends up going back to the park to cool his head. He feels as if he's going to attack someone if he doesn't calm down. His heat must be coming, that's it. Maybe that's why he's emotional. Namjoon knows that isn't the reason, but he wants some explanation for why he's feeling the way he does. Is there a word to describe the absolute devastation he feels when he thinks about BTS disbanding or the hatred he feels towards the other members and himself? 

Namjoon sits there, on a bench near the river, watching the sunrise. He watched the sun set and rise, and yet there's nothing pretty about it. People must be lying when they said how pretty it is when it only makes him feel more lonely watching it alone and depressed. The color of the sky makes him sad. He wants it to be night forever, to be in an unending loop of despair, to bring himself to the point of absolute depression so he might kill himself. At the same time, he doesn't want that, Namjoon fears death. 

Death is a topic that has come across Namjoon's mind frequently. Why should he be sad, if others; they were not? He feels a little crooked inside, wanting to die yet having a will to live. Sometimes he dreams of tying a rope to the sky and hanging his head. Namjoon closes his eyes and imagines the feeling of a rope tied around his neck. He moves his hand to his neck and squeezes, but he's not strong enough to cut off air flow. Namjoon's depressed.

Now that he knows that the members no longer want to be in the group, he thinks about whether he wants to remain in it too. If he leaves BTS, there's a high chance that he might kill himself. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would be a waste of space, useless to society. His parents don't want him; they have enough problems as it is. Namjoon hates his parents, what have they done when he was feeling suicidal, absolutely nothing. Just thinking about it makes him realize that he has no friends, no one he's close enough to confide in.

Namjoon feels betrayed. The people he trusted the most have turned their backs on him; he thought that they were family. But now that his world is ending, he couldn't care less whether they valued him or not. Wow, he really wants to die right now. 

Namjoon opens his eyes again to see that the ferry is now running. He stands up, limping his way to the ticket booth, buying a ticket, and boarding the boat. Maybe he could drown himself. Namjoon shakes his head; he's afraid of water. 

The boat docks at Dduksum Island, and Namjoon immediately takes off to his favorite spot. It's in the center of the island, and he usually has a blanket to sit on the ground, but he doesn't have one this time so he just plops himself on the ground, not even caring how dirty he might be. Are they even looking for him or are they just concerned about what would happen if he's not there? Maybe he has been reported missing. Namjoon doesn't care, let him be missing. He doesn't want to deal with life anymore.

Namjoon lays down in the dirt. He nestles himself in and stares up at the sky. There aren't any clouds for once, or at least he can't see any. Namjoon reaches around his head and grabs a leaf off the ground, he sits up and starts ripping it. He feels so restless. Namjoon drops the shredded leaf, looks around and sighs. He's tired, 

He lies back down and closes his eyes, and falls asleep, just thinking about how tired he is, and how tiring life is, and how life is pointless. He dreams of people fading away, getting cuts on his hands from the shards people left behind, the only thing he could grab.

Namjoon feels feverish; when he wakes up, it's already night. He's so hungry. Everything feels surreal like it's not actually happening to him. He has dirt in his hair, back, and legs. He feels filthy, and he is filthy. From running barefoot on the asphalt and to laying down on dirt, he must look so horrible. 

Namjoon makes it in time for the last ferry ride back to Hangang Park, and when he arrives, he notices Taehyung standing there, watching him leave the boat. Namjoon looks away, ducks his head, and tries to rush past him but Taehyung grabs his arm. 

"Hyung, we've been looking for you," Taehyung says almost in a whisper. The grip on his arm is tight, but the contact makes Namjoon feel safe somehow.

"Really?" Namjoon asks, meeting Taehyung's eyes slowly. 

"Yeah, we were worried about you," Taehyung says, staring into Namjoon's eyes with genuine concern. Namjoon doesn't buy it.

Namjoon tries pulling his arm away, but Taehyung's refuses to let go.

"Let go of me," Namjoon says, twisting in Taehyung's grip.

"No hyung, I'm taking you back, we need to talk about this more," Taehyung says, pulling Namjoon towards him. 

Namjoon lets himself be dragged to a car, which drives them to their dorm. The manager driving the car looks disappointed in him. Namjoon's heart starts hurting; he doesn't want to be here.

Eventually, they make it inside the dorm. None of the other members are there, and Taehyung's still gripping his arm, leading him to the bathroom.

"You need to take a shower," Taehyung whispers, and Namjoon mutely agrees. 

Taehyung finally lets go of his arm, and Namjoon goes to his room to gather some pajamas and underwear before taking a shower. Namjoon's not ready for any conversations, he just wants to fade away and hopes that no one remembers him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for it to be so depressing, but life happens.
> 
> tumblr|twitter


	3. I Just Stand There with the Familiar Darkness

Namjoon turns the knob to the right, making the water hot enough to make his skin red. He watches the dirt falling off his hair; he laid there for a while, so a lot is falling. Water gets in his eyes, so he closes them and blindly reaches for shampoo. 

He can feel the dirt get under his fingernails. He's so tired, and it's hard to move his arms. Namjoon's back hurts from standing so he sits down against the wall with water falling onto him from above. The water stings his feet, with all the small cuts on it. The hot water makes it turn red, and a throbbing pain is created from the mixture of hot water and him moving his feet around in the shower. 

Sitting there, Namjoon thinks about what would happen next. All the members would be there waiting for him, telling him the news that the group is indeed disbanding. Perhaps the next day management will start the process, and all their activities would be canceled. Namjoon could choose to remain an artist, but the others will no longer be by his side. He'll be alone; he doesn't want to be alone. Namjoon's just shaking at the thought of not having the members by his side.

There's a knock at the door, and a drowned out voice saying something Namjoon can't hear. Namjoon supposes that he should probably finish washing, so he does, and wraps a towel around him to dry off. He sits down on the toilet lid because he feels so dizzy standing up. 

He waits a couple of minutes to dry, before standing up and rubbing the towel around his body to finish drying. He then puts his underwear and pajamas on and brushes his teeth. Namjoon feels refreshed. He finds his glasses on the counter, so he slides them on, blinking several times now that he can see better. Taehyung must've put them there when Namjoon went to his room to grab some clothes.

Namjoon quietly opens the door and peaks out to see Taehyung leaning against the wall, watching Namjoon open the door. Namjoon bites his lip, a bad habit, and walks out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

"Did you wait out here for me?" Namjoon asks, feeling a strange pressure in his chest.

"Yeah, I started waiting here after I knocked on the door. The others won't be back for a while, so can we talk?" Taehyung responds, looking at the floor the entire time. Namjoon makes an affirmative sound, and Taehyung walks to Namjoon's room and sits down on his bed. Namjoon follows him and sits down next to him when Taehyung patted the space next to him.

Namjoon's heart hurts from the amount of anxiety he's feeling. What will Taehyung say? Is he going to leave the group? Was he the one who suggested it? Namjoon's mind keeps creating more questions than he could keep up with, and his face feels unbearably hot. It's not from the shower, but from the anxiety he feels, thinking about what Taehyung might say.

"You know, we had a bad night last night," Taehyung starts, " Yoongi had a bit much to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drunk. He gets mad and depressed all at once, and last night was too much to handle. 

He started talking about how he doesn't want to be in the group if none of us couldn't handle him when he needs help. And we try so hard to help him. Seokjin hyung got angry, and they started arguing. Jimin and I had to stop them, Hoseok and Jungkook were shocked by what was said, and we left together to go back to the dorm. The walk home cooled everyone off.

When we got back to the dorm, we started talking about it, disbanding. That's when you came back. Yoongi was still in a bad mood, and Jimin was upset. You ran out the door, and Seokjin hyung tried following you. You disappeared, and we didn't know what to do. Seokjin hyung recovered your slippers, and we were all worried. But I knew where you would go, so I went there and waited, then you appeared on the boat. I can't explain how relieved I was to see you hyung, I was so worried," Taehyung's voice cracks, and Namjoon fiddles with his hands, lips twisted.

"I understand, are you guys actually serious about disbanding though?" Namjoon asks, clasping his hands together.

"No hyung, we weren't," Taehyung says, reaching over to place his hand on top of Namjoon's. Namjoon feels slightly uncomfortable with the skinship, but he supposes that it might make Taehyung feel better.

Namjoon sighs. So much has happened on barely enough sleep and nothing in his stomach. He feels a bit relieved at the fact that they're not disbanding, but still upset at the fact that they even thought about it when they're doing so well. 

Taehyung grabs one of Namjoon's hands and lays down, pulling Namjoon with him. They lay together in silence.

Namjoon feels so uncomfortable with himself. He genuinely thought about all these horrible things and about killing himself. Even attacking people. Not to mention that he really can feel his heat coming, which meant he had to leave the others until it was over, and this situation isn't over. 

Namjoon reluctantly sits up and pulls his hand away from Taehyung, who had managed to fall asleep. His stomach hurts so much from not eating, a sharp pain in his stomach is there every time he takes a step. 

Namjoon packs a backpack with a week's worth of clothes, underwear, his toiletries, and some water from the fridge. He also grabs some random food items from a cabinet, places all these items in his barely big enough backpack, puts on his cheap shoes, and leaves. He can't deal with the others; he doesn't want to. The company will be notified via Namjoon about his heat, and they know he always tries to take a week off during that. 

A taxi ride to a nice, quiet hotel in Ilsan was silent. The taxi driver didn't bother speaking, and Namjoon appreciates that very much. The hotel staff recognizes him from his frequent visits, and this is a place he hasn't told other members about, so he feels somewhat more relaxed. Perhaps he could spend some time thinking about his life, and all these horrible things in a stress-free environment. A place where he could hole up without people bothering him for a week.

The room he's given is on the highest and cheapest floor possible, which is just as Namjoon likes it. It's a nice hotel, not very expensive or too cheap. They clean nicely, and the food is good. Namjoon's room has a balcony, which he wouldn't use for the sake of his safety, but he likes looking out of it, or rest his head on the cool glass. 

Namjoon set his backpack down on a chair near the TV and dropped himself down on his bed. He remembers that his phone is in the dorm, which meant he had to call from the hotel phone, so he did. Management was already expecting him since they all knew Namjoon's patterns very well since it's such a small company, and the call ended very shortly.

He feels so feverish from not sleeping, so he just falls asleep, already in his pajamas. 

The next morning, he feels slightly refreshed but absolutely starving. Laying down, he reaches for the phone on the bedside table and orders breakfast, not wanting to leave his room at all. 

The food comes, and he eats slowly, not able to stomach the entire thing. He ends up not being able to eat the whole thing. Namjoon goes to the bathroom and lays down with his pajamas still on in the empty bathtub. 

Bathroom's make Namjoon feel calm because no one can bother him when he's in there. Namjoon goes over and locks the door and lays back down in the tub. He feels so hot and hungry, and so weak. He doesn't want to get up again to eat, so he just lays there, shifting to his side and he closes his eyes. It's a slightly uncomfortable position, but he is comfortable enough to lay there for a while without thinking about anything.

His stomach starts growling and bubbling, and everything's just so hot. He dizzily sits up and makes his way to the toilet where he throws up. He throws up his first meal in days and has trouble standing up to get some water from his bag. 

He chugs the bottle of water and throws the empty bottle onto the ground. He strips out of his pajamas and underwear, lays back down in the tub, and fills it with cold water. He lets it rise to the top of his stomach before turning it off. 

Laying there in the clean, cold water, he thinks about his thoughts from a couple of days ago. Is suicide truly a viable option?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going on longer than I wanted it to, but I like where it's going.
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twitter](https://www.twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	4. It’s Okay Because Everyone is in Twos or Threes

There's nothing sexual about Namjoon's heat. His heat has never been dangerous enough for him not to have anyone with him, but at the same time, his loneliness desires to have someone with him. His social awkwardness has always prevented him from finding a partner, and even if he were to have a partner, he's afraid of sex.

Namjoon ends up lazing around, watching TV, reading magazines provided over and over again. His mind is so hazy that he can't think straight, he's barely able to call for food. He eats once per day during the afternoon and spends the rest of the day thinking about his existence and the problems he has.

What's the point of him living? There are all these expectations to live up to but when you can't meet them people scorn you. Is there a point to have all these people criticizing him for things he may or may not have done? People make assumptions about him just because he's a member of the group BTS. All the things people have of him are his name, age, the day he was born, blood type, etc. They don't know his actual personality, what he likes and dislikes. Not even his members know that.

Through all the hard times he went through with BTS, and now with all the success he has accomplished and all the money he's making just stresses him out a bit. Because of all the success, he now has to work hard to keep it, with all the members of BTS. Yoongi was recently accused of dating someone, an allegation denied by Big Hit only an hour after the rumor spread. Yoongi doesn't even like women; he's had such a troubling past with them that he decided that he couldn't deal with them anymore. 

He thinks about the Winter Olympics, and how they missed the chance to perform due to a slight expectation of being abroad. Namjoon would've loved to perform, but then he had his surgery on his nose and had to rest. When would they have an opportunity like that again? Namjoon doubts they would ever be able to perform in an Olympics after missing such a great opportunity.

Then there's the matter of Seokjin's age. Next year Seokjin would be thirty. Would fans leave them because of his age? What about the military enlistment requirement? If they have to go, it would be 2029 before they could have a comeback again. All Namjoon can see is all the fans leaving them because they're no longer active as they once were. They would not be able to leave the military to go accept awards or tweet on Twitter. Everything would be at a standstill, and Namjoon believes that it'll ruin them.

There's also the problem of dating and relationships. Big Hit doesn't prohibit them from dating, but they don't anyways. It's another thing that could ruin them and everything they've worked for. However, Namjoon suspects that some of the members are dating each other, which would make sense since they're in a pack together, but without verbal confirmation, he doesn't know for sure. Namjoon sighs, trying to stop thinking about things that don't really need to be addressed yet.

Laying there with slick dripping down onto the bed sheets, he has this feeling in his chest that seems to be gathering something. Perhaps some false confidence, or a feverish will to die. He doesn't want to die. His brain feels like mush, and his eyes hurt. 

Namjoon stands up and immediately lays back down. He feels so dizzy like he's going to throw up. Namjoon lets himself slide off the bed and onto the floor. His stomach feels twisted, and he's just so hot. He pushes himself up onto his knees and carefully stands up. His vision is black, and his heart is beating so fast. His knees feel weak, and Namjoon deliberately makes his way to the bathroom and sits down on the toilet.

Turning on the water faucet, Namjoon dips his hand in the cold water and rubs it all over his face. He's just so tired and hot. Namjoon sits there, leans back, and closes his eyes. He wonders what his members would do if he decided to spend his heat with them. It would be awkward, and being the only omega would draw a lot of attention to himself that he may or may not like. Not to mention that he's been pining for a while, but do they even care?

A few days pass in a blur of thinking, sulking, and some more thinking. Namjoon's heats usually only last four days, and it's usually where he waxes philosophical more times than usual. Namjoon doesn't even remember most of what he thought about, but he does feel sad thinking about all the stuff that's happened and what will happen.

Namjoon leaves the hotel and catches a cab back to Seoul. He decides to go back to the park to sit down and breathe in the outside air, so the cab drops him off of Hangang Park. Namjoon walks to his favorite bench to find it occupied, so he ends up standing there staring at the people sitting on it. It's a couple, or at least they seem to be one, a gay couple. It's pretty bold to do couple things outside when you're gay, people judge you.

The couple is cute, and it makes Namjoon sad, so Namjoon ends up walking by the river, staring at the flowing water and the plants on its banks. He supposes it's calming to breathe in the moist air and be near plants, or just being outside. The fresh air cooling the remnants of the fever inside him, and it feels a bit refreshing.

By the time it's the afternoon, Namjoon has finally made his long trek back to the dorm. When he goes in, no one's there. They probably are preparing for the show, or doing a dance practice. Either way, Namjoon is alone with all of their scents, thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being gay in ABO!verse is when two omegas are together. Thanks for the kudos!
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twitter](https://twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	5. It’d Be Nice if I Had Friends Too

Now that Namjoon's finally back at the dorm, he goes to his room to find his phone charging. Has it been charging the entire time he was gone? Namjoon presses the home button and sees an endless amount of notifications on his phone. He picks up his phone and unplugs it, going over to sit down on his head to scroll through the notifications. 

He received a massive amount of notifications from KakaoTalk. 124 notifications between the chat between him and management and between him and the members. Namjoon doesn't want to read through them, but he knows he has to eventually. 

Namjoon ends up getting his glasses from his backpack, putting them on, and laying on his side to read through the messages. The messages from management take priority, so Namjoon opens that chat up first.

The gist of the messages was his schedule, and important dates coming up that he needs to tell the members about. It's all boring stuff, but Namjoon knows that he can't ignore it. Namjoon sighs and goes back to look at other messages.

There's quite a lot of messages from Jimin, and a lot from Taehyung as well. There are more messages from the other members and some from the group chat between all of the members. Namjoon decides to open up Taehyung's first.

Just from opening it up, Namjoon feels bad. He sees how many times Taehyung tried to call him, and messages asking where he is and such. Namjoon scrolls through it, reading each message but not really reading it. He can't seem to focus, his eyes hurt.

Namjoon goes to Jimin's chat and finds almost the same exact thing, and Namjoon feels touched that they both thought of him and knew that the other members did as well. Namjoon takes a deep breath, and smells the air, breathing in the other members' scents. They're so calming, Namjoon can feel the lull of sleep beckoning him, but he perseveres through the small drought of sleep. 

Reading through all the messages hurts his eyes, he's still not used to his new glasses yet. Namjoon remembers the time when Jungkook, Seokjin, and Hoseok tried on his glasses at the hangover soup place. They laughed a bit, and they were all somewhat loopy due to it being early in the morning after a flight back home. Remembering it makes Namjoon smile. He wishes that every day could have fun moments like that, but alas they have work to do and not enough time to sleep. 

There's a sound at the door, and Namjoon looks up to see Jimin pushing the door open. Namjoon sits up and dusts himself off. He uneasily stares at Jimin as Jimin sits down, cross-legged, on the floor in front of him.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jimin asks, almost whispering. Namjoon takes a sharp breath, holds it, then lets it out; a calming technique that he learned to bring down his anxiety.

"Yeah, I am. A lot has happened, so I had to take some time to myself to do some thinking, and for my heat," Namjoon says quietly. He wonders if any others were listening to this conversation. Namjoon hopes that's not the case.

"I missed you hyung," Jimin says as he sits up to hold Namjoon's hand, which was resting on his knee. It immediately makes Namjoon's hand start sweating, and Namjoon tries twisting his hand away, but Jimin's grip is tight.

"Jimin, let go," Namjoon says, he can feel the blush creeping up his neck. Jimin remains strong and squeezes Namjoon's hand.

"Hyung, I want you to know that I'm here for you," Jimin says, pulling Namjoon's arm slightly, "and that whenever you need something, you can just come to me and I'll put aside anything, just for you."

Namjoon meets Jimin's eyes and just sees the honesty shining through them and he just can't. Namjoon can feel tears spring up in his eyes, but he's determined not to cry. So Namjoon simply squeezes Jimin's hand back and tries to pull away, but Jimin stands up and sits down next to Namjoon. Both of them sigh, and Namjoon knows that Jimin's waiting for a response, but his mind is blank. Jimin's still holding his hand, and Namjoon's hand is unbearably wet. How could he still hold his hand when it's all disgusting?

Jimin leans his head on Namjoon's shoulder, and the weight seems impossibly heavy. Namjoon does some breathing exercises, trying to keep calm and collected. He doesn't want to appear weak, whether he's an omega or not. 

"Thanks," Namjoon says, but his voice cracks halfway through saying it. Namjoon clears his throat, and Jimin lifts his head off of his shoulder. Jimin finally lets go of his hand and Namjoon immediately wipes off the sweat on his pants. But then Jimin touches his face, and his hand is cold, it almost makes Namjoon flinch. 

"I love you hyung, we all do, just know that," Jimin says, lightly touching his cheek. Namjoon feels as if his face is on fire, Suddenly the room is too hot, and the only thing cold is Jimin's hand. Jimin removes his hand, and Namjoon can hear him standing up, which made Namjoon realize that he was staring at the floor the entire time. 

"I know you're tired, so I hope you get some rest even though it's still early," Jimin says as he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.

The encounter leaves Namjoon stunned. Did he really mean it? Namjoon's brain is still reliving every moment, analyzing and analyzing, but analyzing what? He feels like he was so rude, Namjoon internally berates himself for that. Namjoon knows that he's awkward in deep conversations, but he didn't want to be rude. He never wants to be rude towards a member, it'll just create more problems that he'd have to deal with, and Namjoon doesn't want that. Jimin opened a can of worms that Namjoon's not sure of how to comprehend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is sad as it always is, spring break is officially over.
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twitter](https://twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	6. In the Darkness

Namjoon spends some time sitting there, staring at nothing in particular. He's just so tired. Namjoon lays down on his back. His muscles feel so sore for no reason. He sighs, he's just under a lot of stress, and his little escape from reality didn't help him much in the long run, so now he's back, alone, in his room with his anxiety creeping up his walls. Chaos doesn't even describe the amount of things he has to do. Namjoon keeps sighing thinking about talking to other people. 

Namjoon turns to face the window, now laying on his side. There aren't a lot of clouds out, and he can barely see anything since he's lying down, but it's a little calming to look outside at surroundings that don't mean anything to him. The less feelings attached, the better. 

Namjoon closes his eyes; his eyelids feel so heavy. He yawns and turns the other way so that he could go to sleep. He's so tired from doing absolutely nothing. He falls asleep, mind blank.

When he wakes up, his entire room is pitch black, and he can hear some murmuring in the background. Namjoon tries to sit up, but he feels so faint like he's going to pass out again if he tries to get up. Namjoon decides that he's too tired to care about anything, no matter how curious he is. He closes his eyes once more, but then there's the sound of glass breaking. Now alert, Namjoon swiftly stands up, only to sit down on the ground. He's so dizzy that he can't really stand up. Namjoon tries crawling to the door, but the wooden floorboards hurt his knees. Namjoon lays down on the ground, on his side, and finds it odd that the other members aren't going to investigate what the noise was. 

Bracing himself, Namjoon stands up again and wobbles his way to the door. He opens it and peeks his head out. All of the other members' doors are closed, either meaning that they're asleep or that they're not there. Namjoon steps out of the doorway to walk down the hallway to go to the kitchen, but then he hears someone open their door. He turns to see the doors still closed. Namjoon purses his lips and walks down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

There's a faint light emanating from the kitchen, so Namjoon feels some form of relief at seeing the light, he hates the dark. Namjoon pauses at the kitchen counter and peers over it to see Seokjin, in his pajamas, picking up shards of glass from the floor. Namjoon softly coughs to signify that he's there, and Seokjin startles and looks up at him before standing up.

"What happened?" Namjoon asks, whispering.

Seokjin sighs. He walks over to the trashcan and dumps the glass in it. Then he goes back to the broken glass on the floor and starts picking up shards again.

"I knocked the cup off the counter when I was going to get some milk," Seokjin whispers, a bit slurred from it being so late at night or in the early morning, Namjoon can't tell. Namjoon hums and steps around the counter to go help Seokjin, but Seokjin shifts so that Namjoon can't crouch down. 

"Can I help hyung?" Namjoons asks, standing directly behind Seokjin.

"No, this is my problem. You should go back to sleep, we have a long day tomorrow, right?" Seokjin says as he finishes picking up the last bits of the glass. Namjoon hums again and steps out of Seokjin's way as he goes to throw the glass away. "You should wear slippers around here until I can find the broom to sweep up the smaller pieces."

"Okay hyung, goodnight," Namjoon says, walking back around the counter.

He looks over at Seokjin, still standing by the trash. Something doesn't feel right. Namjoon's heart starts palpitating faster. Is something wrong? Should he say anything? Namjoon breathes a deep breath and walks back to his room. He still feels dizzy and now a bit feverish. He's so hungry.

Namjoon had left his door open, so he slips right back into his room and quietly closes the door behind him. Namjoon fumbles around since it's dark, no moonlight, and finds his phone and turns it on. It's only eleven, not even midnight. The light hurts his eyes, but he uses it to find his way back to his bed. Namjoon turns the screen off and places it on his bedside table. 

Back under the covers, which had lost its warmth, Namjoon is wide awake. Walking around woke him up, but just thinking about going to sleep makes him drowsy. Namjoon yawns and closes his eyes, He does some breathing exercises to try to make him more sleepy, but there's something in the air that makes him anxious.

Why did Seokjin knock over the glass? No matter how tired he is, he usually never does that. It's usually Namjoon who knocks over stuff. Namjoon hopes that Seokjin's okay, 

Namjoon's stomach growls, but Namjoon is strong. He doesn't need to eat, and it's too late to eat anyways. Namjoon yawns again and shifts around for a more comfortable position, eyes still closed.

He ends up falling back to sleep. And it's Taehyung who wakes him up again. When Namjoon opens his eyes, Taehyung's crouching down next to his bed. Namjoon's head feels heavy, and he closes his eyes to shield them from the light. Namjoon wishes that he shut his shades before he fell asleep, but he didn't. So now he's faced with all this light that makes his head hurt. 

"Hyung, what schedules do we have today?" Taehyung asks as he stands up, Namjoon can tell because Taehyung's knee's cracked. 

"We have dance practice at twelve until around six, and that's it," Namjoon sleepily says. Taehyung hums and shifts towards the door.

"It's ten right now, and Seokjin hyung made some breakfast," Taehyung says. Namjoon immediately sits up, but his vision turns black. He's just so dizzy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday is on the 7th, so I'm going to be busy, but I'll try to update soon.
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twitter](https://twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	7. Moving Forward

Namjoon waits before standing up, and he stands up slowly to make sure he wouldn't feel faint. Taehyung watches him with a frown on his face. Looking over at him, Namjoon can tell he wants to say something, but for some reason, he says nothing at all. Namjoon hums, clears his throat, and gets dressed, picking random clothes from his closet and the floor. He's too tired to do anything, but he brushes his teeth and combs his hair. 

There's an odd feeling he keeps having when he looks at his face in the mirror. It's not that he hates how he looks, it's just that he feels separated from his body somehow. It's probably being caused by his dizziness. Namjoon reaches up to run his fingers through his hair, combing through it. He pulls out a few strands of hair that was sticking out, and he does it for a while because of how stressed he is, but he knows when to stop. 

When Namjoon walks into the dining area, all the members are there waiting for him. Namjoon quietly takes his seat, and they start eating. Seokjin's cooking is good as usual, but Namjoon can't taste anything. Namjoon sniffles. Everyone looks up at him.

"Hyung, are you sick?" Jungkook asks with wide eyes. Namjoon's heart sinks. He can't be sick with their comeback so close, but that would explain a lot.

"I don't know yet, it's probably just allergies," Namjoon says with a slight nod. He wouldn't allow himself to be sick so close to the comeback. 

Jungkook hums in response, and the members go back to eating. Namjoon lost his appetite after only eating a few bites of rice and a small spoon of soup.

Namjoon's already dressed and ready to go, so he goes back to his room to get his little bag that has his earphones in it along with his phone and wallet. When Namjoon puts his shoes and mask on to leave, the others are still eating. Taehyung knows their schedule, so Namjoon can trust that they'll be there in time for practice. 

Whenever Namjoon walks to the company building, he likes to look around at nature. The world seems so peaceful, but his mind is anything but. The walk itself is calming, and whenever Namjoon wants some peace, he finds himself walking around from the studio to the small park nearby the company building. He doesn't do it often though, due to the risk of fans seeing him if they happen to linger around the building to try to catch them. 

Namjoon walks up to the door and enters the passcode to go inside. The door closes behind him with a beep, and he's the first one in the practice room. Namjoon sets his stuff down on a chair but then picks it up again so he could sit down. He feels out of shape just from walking here, how is he going to feel like when he's dancing? Sighing, he stands up once more as the choreographer walked into the room. 

Stretching is always something he needs help with, but he feels awkward being the only one there while the choreographer is on his phone waiting for the others to appear. Namjoon tries his best nevertheless, and after a good fifteen minutes, Jimin walked into the room.

Curious as to what time it is, Namjoon checks his phone. It's only eleven o'clock. Namjoon sets his phone back down on the chair to look at Jimin, only to see him already looking. Namjoon blushes when he makes eye contact, and Jimin approaches him and sits down on the floor next to him.

"Hey hyung," Jimin greets. Namjoon hums, looking down to fiddle with his shirt. "Do you want to do stretches together?"

Namjoon looks up and shyly nods, words somehow slipping his mind. He stands up with Jimin to move to the center of the room. They start sitting down, leaning forward to try to touch their toes. Jimin does it with ease, and Namjoon can only manage to reach his knees. Smiling, Jimin reaches for Namjoon's hands and pulls him forward so that he could reach his toes. Every muscle in Namjoon's legs protest, and he immediately releases Jimin's hands to stand up and massage his legs. He can hear Jimin's giggles and the scent of clean linen permeating the air. Namjoon turns to their instructor to see him smiling as well, making Namjoon blush. 

The members start filling into the room as it gets closer to twelve, and after they've all stretched, the torture begins. Their instructor takes nothing less than perfection, and since Namjoon had been away for a week with no practice, he finds himself making the most mistakes out of all the members. He's trying his best, but his heart feels weird as if it's not beating fast enough for all the adrenaline pumping through his body. It makes him lightheaded, and as time progresses his vision starts turning black. Namjoon faints.

 

 

When Namjoon wakes up, the first thing he could smell is fresh roses, Seokjin's scent. He opens his eyes slowly, to not blind himself. The back of his head hurts, and his brain feels like mush. Looking around, he notices that he's in the emergency room. Something's on his finger, something like a clip, and he realizes that it's the heart monitor.

Looking to his right, he could see Seokjin watching him. His expression is unreadable, and it gives Namjoon anxiety. 

"How're you feeling?" Seokjin asks softly.

Namjoon closes his eyes and feels the world tilting and spinning, "I'm nauseous."

Seokjin hums and Namjoon can hear him standing up from whatever he was sitting on, Namjoon couldn't see it. He hears the door open and Seokjin saying something. After a few minutes, he could hear Seokjin sitting back down and the chair scrapping across the floor.

"I got you a trashcan in case you need to throw up," Seokjin says, gently placing his hands on Namjoon's. Namjoon hums.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm alive. The BTS comeback happened! I'm sorry I couldn't get this chapter out in time, I had already written part of it before the comeback, then finals happened. I'm not sure what mood I'll be in when I write the next chapter, so be prepared for angst. 
> 
> I'm also going to be working on a royalty au, and I'll post it soon! Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.
> 
> [tumblr](https://thoughtssilent.tumblr.com)|[twitter](https://twitter.com/hyuhanjoon)


	8. I Don't Know Why I'm Sad

The hospital is a rather peaceful place. Namjoon wandered around a bit when Seokjin finally left him since he has to return to their schedules. The doctor told Namjoon that they are evaluating his blood for any abnormalities and that he would have to stay until they've finished processing it. They didn't mind that he walked around, but encouraged him to stay in his room. He is required to wear a hospital gown, and a nurse helped him put it on, much to his embarrassment. Namjoon stopped wandering around once he saw someone rolled in with a bone sticking out. 

It took them six hours to process his blood, and by then Yoongi arrived to cure him of his boredom. Since Yoongi wasn't his family, he couldn't be in the room for the results. Namjoon doesn't mind that, he is an adult, he can take care of himself. 

"Your blood showed that your endocrine system isn't producing a hormone that regulates your blood pressure," the doctor says calmly.

"So what do I have to do?" Namjoon asks slowly, his mind already jumping to conclusions.

"It's not life-threatening, so we have no reason to hold you here at the hospital, but you will need to do some bloodwork. We will send the results to your general practitioner. For now, I don't recommend that you do any strenuous activities. It might cause you to faint, and you'll end up back here again," the doctor concludes. They leave shortly after and the nurse lets Yoongi back in and hands Namjoon paperwork to sign for his release. 

After eighteen hours in a hospital, Namjoon finally gets to leave. He and Yoongi take a taxi back to the dorm, and Namjoon immediately goes to lay down on his bed with the referral for bloodwork in his hand. Namjoon reaches for the bedside table to put the paperwork down. Yoongi follows him into his room and sits on the edge of Namjoon's bed.

"How are you feeling?" Yoongi asks softly, lightly touching Namjoon's arm.

Namjoon turns his head to look at Yoongi and just sighs. He shrugs his shoulders and moves his hand over Yoongi's.

"I don't know hyung. This is happening so close to the comeback, and I'm worried that we'll have to push it back," Namjoon says, fiddling with Yoongi's fingers. 

"It's okay if we have to push it back Namjoon. What matters is your health, and you shouldn't have to worry about prioritizing anything else aside from that. If you fainted, it obviously is something you have to worry about," Yoongi says, squeezing Namjoon's arm reassuringly. 

Namjoon gives Yoongi a small smile. He appreciates Yoongi's words, but he can't help but feel that if the comeback were postponed, he would feel even more miserable and probably overwork himself anyways, trying to get everything perfect. 

"Thank you hyung, I appreciate your concern, but I think I'll be fine, I just have to watch myself when I exercise, and I'll see my general practitioner tomorrow to discuss the results. I'll be fine, so don't worry about me," Namjoon says with what he hopes is a reassuring smile. Namjoon is honestly terrified about what it could mean for his career because if he keeps fainting, he isn't sure if he could handle a concert. He doesn't want the others to know though, he already has enough health issues to deal with between mental and physical health, and Namjoon prefers to keep those things to himself. The omega that he is, and all the things he went through when he was Runch Randa and when he was a trainee, Namjoon learned to keep his problems to himself, but he does open up sometimes to appease the members. The only thing is, is that he doesn't want the others to know how depressed he is. 

Yoongi stands up, stretching his legs, smiles at Namjoon one more time, and leaves the room. Namjoon has always regretted not joining the pack, but he wanted to maintain a distance from the other members, and be authoritative over the group. It hurts the omega inside him when he sees the other members be affectionate with each other, but it was advised by management that he didn't join, and Namjoon agrees with them. Namjoon just feels so lonely all the time. He has no friends and no pack. Namjoon sighs and maneuvers himself so that he's laying on his side facing the wall. 

Namjoon feels so tired. It's still early in the day, but all he wants to do is sleep. Namjoons eyes are hurting from staying open, so he closes his eyes and takes deep breaths. The next thing he knows is that someone is tapping his arm. Namjoon turns to see Seokjin frowning down at him. 

"Hi hyung, what's up?" Namjoon asks, rubbing his face with his hands in an attempt to wake himself up. 

"Dinner is ready, did you even eat lunch?" Seokjin asks with a frown still on his face.

"No, I didn't," Namjoon says. He's already coming up with an excuse to not eat, but with Seokjin looking at him like that, he wouldn't feel good declining his food when Seokjin specifically came to his room to wake him up for dinner.

Seokjin huffs and crosses his arms. "We already ate dinner, but there's a plate for you on the kitchen counter. Warm it up in the microwave, and you should be fine." And with that Seokjin leaves. Namjoon closes his eyes and internally berates himself for believing that they wanted him to eat dinner with them. He doesn't know why he's so sad all of a sudden. Namjoon just wants to get better and to have other people support him and cherish him. Is it too much to ask? 

Namjoon sits up and waits before standing. This time he didn't feel as dizzy while standing up. He makes his way to the kitchen and sees that everyone is in their rooms. Namjoon didn't even check the time, and he wonders if everyone was already asleep aside from Seokjin. Namjoon shrugs his shoulders. He heats up the food and eats what he could stomach and throws the rest away because he's still in a bad mood and wants to destroy something somehow. So he's taking it out on the food by throwing it away. Namjoon grabs a bottle of water and goes to the bathroom to do his nightly routine. Goes to his room, changes into his pajamas, checks his phone for the schedule and groans when he sees that he has to wake up at six in the morning, sends a text to the members about it, sets his alarm, and quickly falls asleep. It's only eight, and he already slept all day, but he's so tired already that it's easy to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm not dead. I went through some difficulties in my life starting my senior year, but it's getting better. I may be living in Japan next year, so my life's been crazy about preparing and hoping to get into a Japanese college. It's very exciting for me. I made a different twitter specifically for my writing stuff, and I'm not really using my main blog on Tumblr anymore, so feel free to contact me on my solely Namjoon one. Also, if you want to track my progress on writing the story, I update my wordsprint a lot. All links are below!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie)|[tumblr](https://beautyjoonie.tumblr.com)|[wordsprint](https://www.mywriteclub.com/beta/writers/SilentStudies)


	9. Hesitance

When Namjoon wakes up, he immediately feels a burning heat engulfing him. His mind goes instantly to whether someone turned up the heat or not, but then he hears a groan by his ear and realizes that it's just Jungkook. 

Jungkook had always had a habit of sneaking into Namjoon's bed when he thought he was asleep. It started even before BTS was BTS. He was a scared teenage boy, and Namjoon was one of the first people who validated him and was kind to him when he first joined the company. 

At first, Namjoon wasn't sure what to make of Jungkook spooning him when he slept, especially when Jungkook was in his teens. When he turned twenty, it still felt awkward. Jungkook joined the pack at that age and had his first rut. When Jungkook's rut started, Namjoon was provided lodging at a hotel by the company, and Namjoon didn't mind. He's used to feeling left out by then. 

Jungkook usually ends up in Namjoon's bed whenever Jungkook thinks he's sad or when he wants comfort. On one awkward occasion, he was... aroused, and Namjoon did him the favor of pretending to be asleep until he woke up and removed himself from Namjoon's back.

Currently, Jungkook has a leg thrown over Namjoon's hip, his arms are wrapped tightly around his middle, and his nose buried in Namjoon's scent gland. Every time Jungkook breathes, it tickles his sensitive neck. Namjoon's trying so hard to not think about his attraction to Jungkook as he slowly shifts out of his tight grasp. Namjoon wants nothing more than to snuggle up to him and pet his hair and perhaps kiss him when he wakes, but he has to be the responsible leader and draw the line like he always has whenever he finds Jungkook pressed against him when he wakes up.

Namjoon shifts his hips away from Jungkook's leg, successfully untangling himself from Jungkook on that end. The problem is Jungkook's arms around his middle. He subtly wiggles towards the edge of the bed, away from Jungkook, and lightly pulls at his arms wrapped around him. Jungkook's arms are no longer trapping him in an embrace, but Namjoon ends up falling onto the floor. 

Groaning quietly, Namjoon blindly reaches for his phone. It's still dark outside from the lighting of his room so Namjoon could sleep more if he wants, but they have to wake up early anyway, so Namjoon turns on his phone screen, brightness turned down from before he went to bed and saw that it's only a quarter past five. Namjoon sighs and rubs his face to help wake himself up. 

He hears Jungkook groan and smells a spike in his scent. Namjoon feels his underwear squelch, and he immediately panics. Without even looking for a change of clothes, he rushes to the bathroom and slams the door shut accidentally in his haste to close the door. Namjoon squishes his eyes shut to alleviate a building headache. He seems to be getting a lot of those lately. Maybe it has to do with his blood pressure.

Namjoon listens for a few seconds to see if he woke anyone up, but he doesn't hear anything, so he relaxes. Namjoon undresses from his pajamas and turns on the shower. He steps under the spray of hot water and feels his body relax. His legs are still slick, so he grabs his favorite body wash and starts washing his legs. Namjoon's slick has always had a thick texture, so he has to swipe his hand through it and pull it away from his body. Rather disgusting but necessary. 

He finishes washing his legs then washes his hair too. When he turns off the shower, he hears a soft knocking at the door.

"Yes?" Namjoon says as he starts drying himself off.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jungkook asks.

Namjoon frowns. "Yes, I'm fine Jungkook," Namjoon says, stepping closer to the door, "Don't worry about me and go to bed, okay?"

He hears Jungkook shuffle behind the door.

"Can I help dry you off hyung?" Jungkook asks, sounding innocent.

Namjoon wrinkles his nose. The members haven't seen him naked in years; he's always been cautious about it. But of course, when he first met Jungkook, he wasn't wearing pants since he had just gotten out of the shower. Jungkook's first words to him were, "Wow, thighs," and it's been something that the rest of Bangtan has teased him about since. He feels shy about letting Jungkook see his body, but he's just been so lonely, and his pining for the other members has been getting worse every day. Namjoon shrugs, there's no harm in it.

"Sure, I don't mind," Namjoon says. Namjoon grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist and opens the door then sits down on the edge of the bathtub. 

Jungkook's expression makes Namjoon feel self-conscious. He's looking at him as if he were something beautiful and precious, and he knows that it shouldn't bother him, but his self-confidence has been plummeting ever since all his issues started. 

Namjoon can't reach the other towel hanging on the wall, but Jungkook grabs the towel instead and gently kneels down on the ground in front of him. He wraps the towel around Namjoon, and they stare into each others' eyes. Namjoon hears his heart thumping in his chest, and he feels a surge of affection embrace him as he trails his eyes over Jungkook's face. Jungkook pulls the towel around his neck, and suddenly they're kissing. Namjoon feels a wave of panic hit him but at the same time, his lips move in sync with Jungkook's. 

He feels slick on his thighs and Jungkook loses grip on the towel and balances himself by putting his hand on Namjoon's leg, and Namjoon is horrified. The towel around his waist no longer is covering him, and Jungkook had set his hand where his thigh slicked. He can't handle this; he needs it to stop. He isn't ready for anything like this and never has been. 

Jungkook pulls away to look at his hand, and Namjoon quickly wraps the towel around his waist again. He stands up suddenly, but he feels his heart beating the same way as it did when he fainted before, and he sways on his feet and puts a hand to balance himself on the wall. Jungkook rises to his feet and puts his hands on Namjoon's waist. Namjoon looks at his eyes, and he sees that Jungkook is gone. Jungkook moves his hands up to his chest, and Jungkook's hands feel as if it's burning him.

Namjoon twists away from him. "Stop. Please, stop," he says with a tremor in his voice.

It seems to snap Jungkook out of his trance, and he looks disgusted. Namjoon's heart sinks. Is he disgusted at himself or Namjoon? Either way, he doesn't want to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while, yes. This chapter is cringey, yes. At least for me. I'm planning on updating this more frequently until the end. Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, it gives me motivation to write honestly. If you leave a comment on this chapter, I will respond to you! Feel free to ask questions!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie)|[tumblr](https://beautyjoonie.tumblr.com)|[wordsprint](https://www.mywriteclub.com/beta/writers/SilentStudies)


	10. Acceptance

Namjoon gets dressed robotically. They have to record for the new album today, and they also have to practice their old choreography and some new choreography with their choreographer Sungdeok. It's nothing new except that the album recording is official this time instead of the songs that Namjoon works on by himself and his horrible singing for the guide version of the songs. Bang PD took the songs Namjoon submitted to him and worked on them, now that they're approved all the members get to record it. Namjoon already split the parts between the members, and as usual, he gets the least amount. He doesn't care about how many parts he gets, and he never has. As long as the members are happy, he's happy. 

When Namjoon checks his phone and unplugs it from the charger, he sees that it's only five-forty-five. Today, he thinks, we'll have the conversation when we get back tonight, together.

Namjoon arrives at the company first, the manager who drove him there noticed that something was wrong and talked to him a little about it, Namjoon didn't tell him about everything, but that he wanted to join the pack. He wants to belong to the members and be loved, he knows he deserves to be loved. He has thought a lot about it after the incident earlier this morning, and he just wanted it so bad, but it's just that no one has ever touched him like that or showed interest in him like that that he personally knew.

Does this mean that they could want him in the pack? Namjoon is excited for this, but then he's worried about how Jungkook will act around him after he refused to go farther than a kiss. He shouldn't feel guilty, Jungkook probably got drunk on his scent. Everything will be fine, he just needs to talk to Bang PD, and everything will be sorted out, everyone will be happy.

 

The producer's room is one that Namjoon is familiar with, even though they had changed buildings, it's layout is exactly the same. It makes Namjoon feel comfortable to see a pattern; patterns are good and orderly to him. It makes him feel safe.

"Hello, sir. I have an important question for you, if you don't mind," Namjoon says as he closes the door to Bang PD's studio.

Bang Shihyuk is what his name is, but it's easier to refer to him as Bang PD. It's something comfortable that Namjoon settled on when he first met the man. 

"Of course, Namjoon." Bang PD says. He pulls out an extra chair from another desk, probably Pdogg's chair, they work together in the same studio sometimes. "Sit down on this chair."

Namjoon sits anxiously. Bang PD was the one who recommended that he didn't join the pack when Bangtan had started, now that he wants to join the pack, he wants to make sure it's okay with his CEO first. 

"I want to join the pack," Namjoon says as sincerely as possible. He wants Bang PD to see that he's serious, that he really wants to do this, that it's not a hasty decision.

"I see," he says. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes. My omega desires to be in a pack, and BTS is nothing short of family." Namjoon says, there's a special bubbling feeling in his chest. He hasn't talked to the BTS members about the pack thing yet, but just like Jimin said, that all of them loved him.

"I understand that I was the one who suggested that you don't join the pack. If you assert yourself in the pack dynamics, you need to hold your ground. You're the leader of BTS, even though Hoseok, Jungkook, and Yoongi are alphas, you need to stay strong. If they ever use an alpha command, you need to tell me. I worry about you, okay?"

"Yes, I understand. I will talk with the members tonight after recording and dance practice." Namjoon says, with a grateful smile.

Namjoon feels extremely satisfied with himself. He goes to the recording booth to record his part, and the members slowly fill into the studio. Jungkook looks sick, it's making Namjoon worried. Is it because of this morning or is it because he is actually becoming sick? Is his rut coming? 

Namjoon looks down at the printed lyric sheet and concentrates on rapping his part. When he looks into the window into the studio, the members are all staring at him. Did he sound okay? His voice might be a bit hoarse because he hasn't been drinking enough water lately, or maybe because of all the stress. Namjoon tilts his head in question, but he couldn't even hear their responses anyways because he's in a soundproof booth. 

Bang PD turns on the intercom, "I think your part is good Namjoon, the other members will start recording now."

Nodding, he takes the headphones off and his lyric sheet and leaves the booth. Jimin goes in as Namjoon's going out. Namjoon goes out of the studio to go to his own. He woke up too early to pay attention or give any opinions. He opens the door to his studio and lays down on his couch.

He isn't sure how much time has passed, but he awakes to something brushing his hair, combing through it nicely and it feels good. Most omegas rarely purr, but Namjoon can't help it. He tilts his head into the touch, and he hears Hoseok's soft laugh. Namjoon blinks his eyes open and sees Hoseok kneeling down in front of the couch. 

"Did I wake you up Joonie?" Hoseok asks softly.

Namjoon hums in response. Melting into Hoseok's touch, he closes his eyes once more.

"Namjoon, it's almost time for dance practice. Then we get to go home, okay? I know you haven't been feeling well. Yoongi told me that you were going to schedule a doctor appointment? Why don't we do that tomorrow since it's our day off?" Hoseok says, softly brushing his hair from Namjoon's face. Namjoon sighs contently.

"Yes, let's do that," Namjoon says thickly, his voice deep from sleep.

His eyes are still closed, so he doesn't see anything as Hoseok's face comes closer to his, pressing his lips on Namjoon's, a feather-light touch. Namjoon's heart swells up ten times its size. First Jungkook, now Hoseok. Is he emitting too many hormones? He sighs into the kiss.

Hoseok pulls away, and Namjoon opens his eyes. "Am I emitting too many hormones?" Namjoon asks.

Hoseok's hand trails through Namjoon's hair, scratching lightly making Namjoon's eyes flutter.

"No, you're not. You just look extra cute today. Bang PD told us that you're considering joining our pack, I wanted to talk to you about it first." Hoseok says, using his other hand to lightly touch Namjoon's cheek.

"It's true, I am," Namjoon says, turning onto his side to face Hoseok better.

"Well, consider yourself being officially courted by the pack as of today, and right now," Hoseok says, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hoseok Day! I wrote my angst out in another piece, so it's going to be more fluffy and happy with this chapter to the end. Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos help me write chapters more quickly, and I'll respond to comments just like the last chapter.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie)|[wordsprint](https://www.mywriteclub.com/beta/writers/SilentStudies)


	11. Lovely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm really sick right now, unfortunately. This chapter was supposed to come out on Sunday, but I was not feeling good, and I passed out when it was the time where I usually write things. And also because I was waiting for a friend who never turned up to the thing we were going to do together. Please enjoy the late chapter!

Dance practice wasn't as horrible as Namjoon had made it out to be in his head. He was just nervous about how he might faint again, but the little things that the members did for him today made him feel a lot better. Now that he's being courted to join the pack, he starts noticing all the things that they intentionally do for him that he hadn't put a lot of thought into before.

Jimin's hand on the small of his back, holding him upright as he's breathing hard from exertion. Namjoon hasn't danced in a while; it was only expected that he would be like this. Hoseok doesn't berate the members as much today. He jokes around with a tense Jungkook, every time Jungkook looks at Namjoon and Namjoon notices; he looks away. It's sad; he didn't mean for it to affect their relationship like this. But then Seokjin telling him cheesy pickup lines to make him crack up during the practice and all the members groan as they have to redo the part because they all laughed. 

Namjoon didn't know that he could feel like this, heart light, mind free. It's not just because he decided that he won't stop himself in front of the love he could be receiving, it's also because Namjoon has opened his eyes and mind to things that he was too far into denial and sadness to realize that yes, there are people who care about him. They've lived together for years, they've noticed his decline, and now they're the cause of his rise again. It's only been ten hours since his decision, but he feels so happy. He doesn't want to shove off all his problems onto the members now that he decided Namjoon intends to open up to them, he wants to help himself, and love himself, just like their series said. 

And if that means letting Yoongi hold his hand even though it's sweaty and let Taehyung rest his head in his lap, he doesn't mind. He still feels awkward about someone touching him when he is sweaty, Namjoon doesn't know why he's like that, it just feels weird for him. Jimin sits down on Taehyung's stomach with a little "oof." Taehyung tries to push him off but Jimin reaches over, and pets Taehyung's head and he settles. Jimin then brushes his fingers over Namjoon's thighs. Namjoon notices, one of his hands is being held by Yoongi, the other has his phone where he was scrolling through Netflix to find something new to watch. He lets Jimin touch his thigh, and then he starts massaging the painful muscles, and Namjoon closes his eyes and sighs. 

He hears a thud on the floor, and he opens his eyes to see that Jimin shoved Taehyung off of Namjoon and is closer is now sitting next to him, petting his thigh. Yoongi is snuggled into his shoulder, practice has been over for a while, but Namjoon didn't want to move, and the members came to snuggle him. Namjoon lightly giggles at Taehyung's upset faces he keeps sending Jimin's way, but Jimin is leaning into Namjoon, fingering Namjoon's sweatpants quietly. Namjoon crosses his legs, and Taehyung sits up with a pout and walks away. When he hears the door click shut, he realizes that it's just him, Yoongi, and Jimin left in the dance studio. 

"Is this your way of courting me?" Namjoon asks both of them, amused.

Yoongi scoffs, "No, you wouldn't let me have this before so I'm taking advantage of your willingness to cuddle you with all my heart."

"Aww, hyung. Thank you, that's so cute," Namjoon says with a smile, he squeezes Yoongi's hand. "What about you Jimin?"

"I was just jealous of Hoseokie-hyung," he says, pouting.

"Why?" Namjoon asks, but he probably already knows the answer thinking back to how Hoseok had kissed him. Maybe Jungkook didn't tell them, the thought makes him sad. He didn't want to hurt Jungkook's feelings. He will talk to him when he gets home.

"I heard that he—," Jimin's face comes closer, and Namjoon closes his eyes from the proximity. He feels Jimin's soft, plush lips on his and his heart soars. He can't handle this much stimulation in one day, but at the same time, he's starting to crave it. If this is how the members will treat him if he joins their pack, not that he had any reason to not join, he will gladly take the pack bite from Hoseok.

Suddenly the warmth on his lips is gone, and he hears Jimin whine before Namjoon smells Yoongi's cedar wood scent and then Yoongi's slightly chapped lips are on his. Namjoon has never been kissed this much ever before, he's unsure of what to do so he lightly pecks Yoongi's lips and Yoongi laughs against Namjoon's lips.

Namjoon opens his eyes as Yoongi pulls away. It feels so nice to be wanted. Although he's not good at kissing, he would do it all day, with each of the members. The omega in him wants to please them and not worry about himself, and then the other part of him wants to be greedy and take everything they could offer him. He's never felt like this before. It's oddly rewarding to see Jimin and Yoongi's flushed cheeks. When Namjoon sniffs the air, he can tell that his peachy scent is thick in the air. 

Jimin's eyes are trained on Namjoon's neck. Namjoon feels his face grow hot. 

"Can we scent you?" Jimin asks, already leaning closer, Yoongi leaning closer as well.

"Yes, y–."

Jimin pounces on him. He wraps his arms around Namjoon's torso, sitting down on his lap and rubbing his face insistently on the right side of Namjoon's neck. His neck feels so sensitive, every brush of Jimin's nose sends tingling sensations across his body. It feels good. He's seldom allowed them to scent him, and he can tell that Jimin is enjoying it. Yoongi on Namjoon's left side rubs his nose on that side of his neck, and he can smell Jimin's lily scent mix with Namjoon's peach scent and Yoongi's cedar wood. It smells so good, Namjoon's eyes roll back into his head. He feels the slick on his thighs and instead of running away, he surrenders himself to the pleasure of being scented. 

When they pull away, he still feels dazed. Both of them kiss his cheeks and he giggles and brings his hands up to cover his face. He loves it too much. Putting his hands down, he reaches for Jimin and Yoongi, gathers them up in each arm and bring them close to him and hugs them tight. He just loves them too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It probably didn't make sense; I just wanted a cute scene with Jimin and Yoongi kissing Joonie and scenting him and give him lots of love. The next chapter will probably be the last chapter. I won't make any promises on when I'm going to update because I don't really have time this week between school and BTS ticketing. I tweet a lot on my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/beautyjoonie) about Namjoon and my fics. I update my progress on [wordsprint](https://www.mywriteclub.com/beta/writers/SilentStudies) a lot too. Thank you for reading! If you want this story to be continued after the last chapter, comment and I'll make one-shots in this story universe.


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